I apologise for vomiting on Jeff Goldblum

(this essay does what it says on the package)

In the history of Reefer Madness/Just Say No ad campaigns, no “scared straight” has ever been as effective as “I accidentally vomited on Jeff Goldblum”. Which I did do, in my youth, on a trip to Los Angeles when I was a jetlagged teenage writer, unaware of the strength of a sea breeze cocktail.

Jeff Goldblum wasn’t even involved in my life - he has, you’…